Playing Catch-Up

Yes, I'm still alive. You're not getting rid of me that easily. 😉 It has been a while since I last posted, but that really only means that I've been super busy.

Well a fair bit has happened. Most notably, I had two anxiety attacks while driving, an event that had never happened before. I have a theory as to why this has started happening:

Since I have been busy, the depression side of things has been pushed completely out of the way (ain't nobody got time for that!). However, the stress from everything happening lately has been building up. And while I am busy, I don't have the time for my brain to catch up, but when I slow down a bit, everything just explodes in my head. And driving seems to be a less stimulating activity, meaning that it's a chance for everything to catch up with me. Thus, anxiety attack.

Otherwise, I have been trotting along well enough. I'm still limping through uni, half on top of everything, and half completely lost. I feel like that's probably a standard feeling among university students, so I'm not too worried about that. So far, I haven't handed anything in late (unlike last year), so that's always a positive. As for the other aspects of my studies, I'm running behind. They're all just little things, such as not having the lecture notes printed before attending the lecture, but they all add up.

Financially I have been less than prepared as well. I've been struggling to pay the bills with my current income, and I got another bill in the mail today. I'll get through it, but it's frustrating to deal with, especially when it means I'm constantly eating into my savings just to keep up. A close friend helped me set up a budget, though, so hopefully that will help me out. We shall see.

I feel like right now, all I need to do is write a bunch of lists - and stick to them - and I'll be set. I pretty much live by to-do lists. I suppose my new budget is a list in a way. But I also need to write a new list to set out what I have left to do for uni before the mid semester break. And I need to remember to take my pen to work. I could get so much more done during my shifts if I wrote myself lists. Normally I end up completely forgetting all the things that need to be done, only remembering again in the last half an hour before I have to finish.

Anyway, all that to say, I am better at getting things done when I am organised, and I actually enjoy organising myself, but the big thing I need to get past is actually getting organised in the first place. And, of course, following through with my plans and lists...

~SA

Exhausting Myself with Worry

I am exhausted. Not physically, as if I've been running or similar. I mean mentally. I am tired out. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it was just the slog of uni work today, but I can't say for sure.

I keep worrying about things. Bad things. Like being involved in a car accident, or being raped, or similar things like that. My brain sometimes gets into a rut like this. I start thinking about the "what if's", and it spirals into me being unable to think about anything else. I feel like it could be a result of anxiety, but again, I'm not sure.

Seems I can't be sure of anything tonight.

I only have an hour-long lecture tomorrow, so perhaps it'll give my brain a break so that I can calm down. Or maybe I'll be feeling better tomorrow morning after I wake up.

I hate that this just sounds like me complaining. I hate that I sound so pathetic that I can't even deal with something as small as an irrational fear, that I can't just get on with my life like anyone else can.

This frankly just sounds like I'm throwing a pity party. I'm signing off for the night.

~Silently Aching

Seasons

"Even the darkness must pass." ~Samwise Gamgee, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

The tale of Frodo and Sam trekking to Mordor in The Lord of the Rings reminds me of my own battle with depression. And there may come a day when I discuss what I mean by that, but it is not this day. I don't have the time. But all joking and references aside, I do hope to explain myself one day.

Today was extremely productive. I got my first assessment for the semester finished (!!!), as well as some other necessary things done, all before going to work. Seeing that first assessment being crossed off on my whiteboard is so motivating, though. I still have quite a large list, and it was one of the smallest items, but that one makes me feel like I could finish off another.

It's too late tonight to keep going on my uni work, since I do have uni on campus tomorrow. I'll be signing off soon, so it'll only be a quick note tonight.

Perhaps now is a season of motivation, of preparedness, of organisation and readiness. This feeling of "I can do it" is a breath of fresh air. It's so freeing to not feel like I need to procrastinate on everything. I have a plan, and right now, I'm sticking to it. I can't speak of a month's time, in a week, or even tomorrow, but right now, I know what I need to do, and I'm getting it done. The key point is that it's in my own time. I'm not rushed because I'm taking each thing individually and breaking it down, piece by piece, one task at a time.

But for tonight, I have done enough. It is time to rest, recuperate, and ready myself for another day of working tomorrow.

~Silently Aching

Behind the Mask of Independence

I missed yesterday because I was hanging out with my friends last night after working all day, but I did say I wasn't expecting to post every day.

I current;y cannot focus on anything aside from my back. Yesterday's eight-hour shift, standing the whole time, has taken its toll, and my lower back is not happy. I feel like I should just deal with it and get on with everything, but that's hard to do when you're not used to it.

I've been pretty depressed today, too, though I'm not sure if that's just for selfish reasons or not.

***

I'm finding it hard to write tonight. I keep getting distracted. Along with my back, I'm pretty tired, and I keep zoning out. Perhaps I should just get some rest instead. I kind of feel obligated to write, though. I don't know.

I think I'm falling back into my rut of doing everything to hide the fact that I need help, of presenting an image of having everything under control, when in reality, everything is completely falling apart. Or I'm being dramatic. I tend to do that.

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm doing typing this, what I'm doing as far as my family is concerned, what I'm doing with uni, what I'm doing with life in general. I have another commitment, which is actually each night. My Facebook page, Chapter a Day (shameless plug: facebook.com/bibleaday), needs to be updated each night. And I have a team for that, but I hate relying on them. I feel like it's my responsibility, that I need to keep it going. I feel bad for asking them to help out, because they have their own things they need to do.

Well, I guess the chapter isn't going to post itself. I should probably get to it.

~Silently Aching (double meaning tonight)

The Irony of Socialising

Socialising is important. Without it, I would never would have been able to get out of that rut last year. I was dragged, kicking and screaming, from my little world of one, and back into my social life.

Ah yes, but I'm an extrovert! Surely I would have loved the opportunity to get back to my friends. Except that's not how it works. To begin with, ENFPs are "ambiverts" - we are both introverted and extroverted. On top of that, depression bends everything into darkness, and the last thing you want to do is project that on the people you care for. Add anxiety to the mix, with the insecurities that go along with that, and you have the perfect recipe for a hermit crab.

However, once I'm forced into socialising, it tends to work itself out, and I begin to feel better. Although in the past few months, I've been happy to go out with friends and spend time with people, so there has been no need for pressure.

The thing is, I can only socialise for a certain amount of time, before I start to relationally shut down. I lose all my confidence, falling into my insecurities, and become agitated and irritable, closing off and lashing out at the people around me. And sometimes it can happen only after I've left, which at least means I'm not hurting the people I love, but it's no less difficult for me to work around.

Today after uni, I spent the afternoon with a good friend of mine. We had an amazing day, even though we didn't do much. I really do treasure her company. But on the way home it started to hit, that feeling deep within my stomach of being unsettled, of something being not quite right. I got home, and it just snowballed into apathy, into a desire to just give up.

I want to give up. And this isn't an unusual feeling for me. I feel like people view me as weak because of my constant wish to give up.

I don't mean give up on life, though I did go through a period of time when I was suicidal. I mean give up on parts of life - give up on uni, on my dream to become a teacher; give up on trying to deal with my family; give up on trying to move out of home; give up on my job; give up on maintaining the relationships I have with my friends.

I feel like typing all of this has calmed me somehow, so I might head off now, and push through, working a little more on my uni stuff.

~Silently Aching

The "Up" Part of the Rollercoaster: Part II

The thing with the rollercoaster of mental health is that you never know when you've reached the top, and when you're about to come crashing down.

Thankfully, I'm still riding the wave of motivation from yesterday. I actually got some of my looming assignments started! And I've printed off all my task sheets for this semester, so I can look through all the important stuff and begin to tap away at them, rather than leaving them all until the last minute like I usually do.

Procrastination is a big issue for me. I don't know when it started, but I have a feeling it was some time during high school. Maybe it's just how I work, but it certainly doesn't help the depression/anxiety. It's a vicious cycle - my assignments overwhelm me, so I put them off, and then the looming due date stresses me out even more. So this current motivation is an absolute blessing, because it means I can start working away at diminishing the list without feeling like I'm trying to tackle Mount Everest.

Anyway, I should probably make the most of this feeling, and actually get to work!

~Silently Aching

The "Up" Part of the Rollercoaster

Well I just got home from uni, and whilst I can't say I enjoyed every moment of it (of course, I never expected to), I am feeling much better than I did last night. For the first time in a long time, I'm feeling motivated!

I'm feeling like I could just sit down and organise everything, get started on all my assignments, and be completely ready for everything this semester. All I need to do now is act on that feeling. Except that tonight I'm going to be busy with a church meeting, so I won't really have the time. And our printer isn't working. So I can only do so much tonight. Hopefully the motivation doesn't die before tomorrow!

***

So I'm not really treating this as a blog, but more as a diary. Hopefully, a diary that may help some other people, letting them know that they aren't alone. But I guess we shall see. If nothing else, hopefully it can be a place where I can vent and organise my thoughts and track my mood, maybe find some sort of pattern.

Anyway, I had better get some work done before I have to head out!

~Silently Aching

Introductions from the Silently Aching

This isn't new to me. I have had blogs before, though I've never kept up with them. They tend to get lost in a world of less importance, though they probably belong there. I have no idea if this blog will be a change for me. Honestly, it probably won't be, despite my unrealistic hopes of it somehow helping me. But I guess we shall see.

I don't know. Perhaps I'm just being really emotional and blowing everything out of proportion. I feel like I do that a lot, though the people around me say I don't. But I don't always believe the people around me. I guess that's all part of the anxiety. I don't trust people. I mean, I trust them with my life. I trust that they will do whatever they can to see me safe and happy. But I don't trust their kind words. I don't believe that they truly love me, no matter how much they tell me, no matter how emphatically. How could anyone possibly like me? How could anyone actually enjoy my company? I mean, yes, I'm bright and bubbly and outgoing and confident and all the stuff that people care about. But I'm too bright, too bubbly, too outgoing, too confident. I'm annoying. How could anyone enjoy that?

I'm getting ahead of myself. I do that, too. That's probably part of my personality. My annoying personality. Oh, of course, I'm ENFP (yes, I am aware that many people don't like the Myer Briggs test, but it gives a good foundation for understanding people). I'm oh-so loud and crazy. But I crash. I have a finite "people metre", so to speak, and once I reach the limit, I shut down and can't deal with people anymore. That turns ugly, trust me.

Oh goodness, I've been talking so much about myself, but never really explained anything. Well let's start with basic facts.

I'm female and turning twenty-one soon. I live in Australia, and I'm studying primary education at university. I am ENFP (as has already been discussed). At the start of last year, I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety, although I had been dealing with it for at least six months beforehand. I also went through an undiagnosed bout of depression at the end of high school. Mid to late last year I felt like the depression pretty much cleared up, leaving all but a few lingering traces behind (though I haven't been reassessed yet). However, my anxiety has only gotten worse.

I didn't get depression and anxiety at the same time. Depression seems to easily manifest itself into my brain without any help. But not anxiety. Anxiety was coxed there. You see, towards the end of 2016, I was involved in an incident at work of an explicit kind. I was already dealing with depression, but this incident triggered anxiety.

I don't like thinking about that, as you could probably imagine, and I don't feel like dealing with cold facts tonight. I'd rather just vent. Right now, something is wrong, and I don't know what. I feel unsettled, almost anxious, but not quite. I feel alone, but I don't want to socialise at all. I feel tired, but I feel far too alert to sleep. I'm kind of hungry, but I feel like trying to eat will make me feel sick. I feel unsettled.

This is becoming a regular thing for me. It tends to turn into an anxiety attack, even if just a mild one. But I don't know how to explain this phase, aside from saying that I feel unsettled. I'm kind of jittery, like a small child who can't sit still, but rather than out of excitement, it's out of... I don't know. Nothing good, certainly. But I don't know what it is.

I'm not really looking for help. I mean, if you have advice, great. That'd be wonderful. But that's not why I'm typing right now. I'm typing for two reasons:

1. Perhaps it could help me. Perhaps venting will help me understand exactly what I'm feeling.
2. Perhaps it could help you. Maybe you're going through the same thing and need a reminder that you're not alone. Or perhaps a loved one of yours is, and you want to know what they're going through.

No matter, hopefully this helps someone. Or of course, it could just be another pointless thing I do that starts with good intentions, but never really catches on. But no, enough of the negativity.

Well, it is late now, and I am getting up relatively early tomorrow to have breakfast with a friend before uni, so I should probably get some sleep, or at least try to. I might be back, but then again, I might not ever post to this blog again. I guess we will see.

~Silently Aching