Stifled Tears

I feel emotionally all blocked up, like a stuffy nose. For a while I've been feeling like I want to cry, but I fight it every time. The only times I've come close was while watching Avengers: Infinity War (oh, I'd talk about this, but spoilers), and a clip for a uni assignment that followed the story of a young girl in foster care. And of course, that feels like fake crying anyway.

I turned 21 four days ago, not that that has had an impact on anything. I had been looking forward to my 21st for about a year, but when it finally came, I was so sick of hearing about it that I was glad for it to be over. Actually, I don't know why I brought that up. That has pretty much nothing to do with anything.

But no matter. I feel like eventually it'll get the better of me. I won't be able to stifle the tears further, and they'll just force themselves out. And, I mean, it's not entirely me holding them back. Many times I've wanted to cry, but just couldn't. It's a frustrating cycle. When I can cry, it's not an appropriate time or place. When it is acceptable to cry, I can't.

I don't know what's going to happen. For now, I guess I'll just continue on in this numb state.

~SA

The Persistent Dark

I had quite a good day today. I got the filming done for my next assignment, which means that the hard part is done. I spent the day with two of my good friends. All-in-all, it wasn't a bad day.

But it just lurks in the background, waiting for any opportunity to rear its ugly head. As soon as I'm alone for a few moments, that feeling starts coming back. It doesn't even need to voice itself anymore. I recognise the feeling before it speaks its words.

No matter, I'm not going to focus on that. I'm not even going to focus on the long list of assignments that are decorating my whiteboard. I'm going to focus on what I have done, and the very next step. If I look at everything, I'll be overwhelmed and give up. But in this way, I can see that I've made a little step, and that I can make another little step. If I can break down assignments like this, I no longer have a pile of assignments staring at me, but rather, a series of small, easy-to-manage tasks that don't take up too much time.

***

My friend bought an electric piano this week, and she has been using it as a reward, since I am so in love with music. We've set up a schedule when I'm over: work and study for half an hour, then music break for five minutes. It seems to be quite effective, so I'm thankful for that. Perhaps I should do all of my assignments there. No, that won't work. She doesn't have internet, which will pose a problem. But as for typing and drafting, that doesn't tend to require research (and thankfully so - research is always my least favourite part of assignmenting. I have no idea where to start!).

Hmm, this feeling deep inside me doesn't look like it will let up any time soon. Perhaps I should just take an early night, and start again tomorrow.

One Step at a Time

"Be gone, you filth!" ~Revellers, Diary of a Muse

That line comes from a musical my teacher wrote for us in school. At the time we thought it just a funny line, but now it has meaning for me. Perhaps not the intended meaning, but meaning nonetheless.

I should be in bed, since I'm working all day tomorrow. I'm procrastinating. And I'll complain later that I don't have enough time for anything, but in reality, I'm here, typing away on my pointless blog when I should be asleep.

Here's the thing: I have an assignment due on Monday next week. It's a video and involves a "student". I'm not even going to try to explain it here, since I frankly don't understand what I'm doing as it is. Oh, and it's the same course that I failed the assignment in the other day, so I'm already playing catch-up.

But it's due Monday next week, so I have a week tomorrow. Tomorrow I'm working all day, though I may be able to get some done tomorrow night. Tuesday I have uni all day. Wednesday morning I'm working, but since it's ANZAC Day, I don't have uni, so I'll have most of the day free then. Thursday I'm busy with uni and an appointment until mid afternoon, at which point I'll have to film, since that is when my "student" is free. Friday I'm working all day again. Saturday is my stupid birthday (yay, happy 21st to me (note the sarcasm)), and though I might have the morning free, the afternoon is booked. And Sunday I'll have a few hours in the middle of the day.

The thing is, it's more than just filming. I think have to critique it, have someone else critique it, and critique someone else's video. So I cannot leave it until the last minute!

Oh, but that is completely irrelevant for me right now. Right now, I should be asleep. Right now, I shouldn't be focusing on anything other than being ready for work tomorrow. As a good friend of mine said, I need to take this one step at a time.

A Trigger of a Course

This course is just stressing me out. It's the same course that I failed an assignment for. This course should be easy. All the content in it is so incredibly basic. None of this is new to me, and it all makes sense.

But for some reason, every time I even see the course code on my whiteboard, I freak out and start to feel that familiar feeling drift over me.

Maybe it's because I failed. Or maybe there's another reason. I mean, it is written in orange, which is one of my least favourite colours. But that seems too superficial to be creating an anxiety trigger. Perhaps I'm over-worked and just need a break. But the thought of taking a break from uni is even more stressful - after all, if I take a break now with my many assignments already starting to pile up, when I am finished my break, it'll be an even bigger problem with even less time to fix it.

I honestly can't wait for uni break, but that's in June. Oh, only two months away, sure, but that just emphasises my lack of time.

I should probably be working on it now instead of typing here, but my brain is refusing to take in any more information. I can't focus on my assignments, and I certainly can't focus on that course. Unfortunately, the next assignment that I have due is for that course. And that is in less than a week and a half away.

Certainly, I'm going to have to get it done. I can't afford to not do it, because I don't think I'll be able to pass the course without it! But part of me is just wanting to give up. Part of me feels like it's all too much, like I am never going to be any good at it. Oh, I was amazingly brilliant at everything in school, especially primary school, but university is a completely different game, and one that I cannot seem to work out the rules for.

No matter. For now, I need to pack up anyway. It's all too much for me, and I need to be awake again in just over seven hours so I can get to work.

~SA

Please Stop

I don't want to be here. Please, just go away. Please. Stop making me shake. Stop waking me in the night into another attack. Stop making my heart pound so hard that my body rocks with each beat. Stop making me feel like I'm going to throw up. Stop making even the slightest pain so intense for me. Stop making me cry! I don't want to cry. I haven't yet, despite the countless times you've filled my eyes with tears. I haven't given in, and I won't.

I won't give in. I'm strong. I can stay independent. I can fight this. I don't need help.

Except I do. I do need help. I need help. I can't keep pretending to everyone that I'm okay. Because I'm not. I'm not okay.

But I can't tell anyone.

I have no one to tell. Or I do, but they're busy. And I don't want to talk to anyone else. Certainly not my family. Certainly not my dad. He doesn't understand. Maybe I'm not as close to him as I used to be. I don't know. I really don't know. Or maybe we never were as close as I thought we were. Well, I'm not as close with one of my best friends as I thought I was. Because she doesn't see me as one of her best friends. Perhaps my fears about people only tolerating me are true. Maybe I'm too quick to trust people, to let people in, let them close. Maybe I'm too dependent upon everyone.

I know I am. Oh, but I cannot stop being dependent. I am needy, too needy. I need people. But they're all busy. Busy with their lives. They have enough to deal with without having to deal with me, with my issues.

With me. Me. That's the biggest issue of all. Me.

I can't let anyone in. It'll just scare them away. They already see me as a burden. I'm a burden. I'm someone to have pity on, and be nice to because you're a polite person. No one actually likes me. I'm just tolerated. That's all I can be. No one can like, let alone love, me. Because I'm nothing. I'm a mess. An absolute mess.

***

I failed an assignment. I worked really hard on it, and even handing it in four days early. Many other assignments I've handed in weeks late and part finished, and pass, but this assignment was easy. I finished it early and did it well. But I got 45% on it. Maybe I wasn't trying hard enough. No. I wasn't. I didn't try hard enough. I didn't try at all. I'm no good at uni. I was amazing in school, but I can't get through university. I'm wasting my time and my money. I'm wasting my lecturers' time. I'm wasting my life. No, my life is a waste. I don't know why I thought I could do this. I can't.

I handed in another assignment last night, and instead of feeling that sense of relief, I just felt more anxious.

I've been having super vivid dreams lately, so vivid that they wake me up and trigger an anxiety attack.

Normally the anxiety goes away overnight, and I wake in the morning, still tired, but no longer anxious. But now the anxiety is just mounting, even as I sleep. I'm not getting a break from it.

That's the other thing. I can't sleep. Or I can sleep, but I don't feel refreshed when I wake. My sleep pattern is completely ruined, and I range from four to ten hours of sleep at night. But no matter how much sleep I get or don't get, I am still tired when I wake, to the point where my eyes sting.

I've become incredibly sensitive to pain and heat, and I'm easily jump-scared because I'm always tense and on edge. I've noticed that my heartbeat is so intense that it makes my entire body rock.

I'm not well. It's not quite nausea, more that unsettled feeling again. But it's almost nausea, almost like I'm going to throw up.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm at my end. I just want it all to stop. I just want it to stop.

~SA

Pushing the Boundaries

I'm pushing it. I know I am. I have an assignment due on Tuesday. It's Saturday night, and I have wasted today completely. Oh, not completely. I completed a quiz this morning. But aside from those twenty minutes, I've done nothing except play games and create audio mixes on Ambient Mixer (another plug: ambient-mixer.com is incredible, and perfect for creating that perfect background study sound).

But that's beside the point. The point is, I've spent all day doing nothing. I'm heading to bed now, since our church service is early tomorrow morning, which means I have a few hours tomorrow, a few hours Monday (because I'm working all day), and a few hours Tuesday (because I'm at uni all day). I still need to get all my research together for this! Oh, that was so silly of me. And the whole time I knew this would come back to bite me. I have no one to blame but myself.

I'm not worried, though. This part of the assignment is 400 words, so research really is the only thing I have to tackle. For me, writing the words is super easy. The pain in the neck is finding the literature to back it up.

I think I was procrastinating today because I've found some authors that I would like to reference, but I need to actually read their stuff. And I haven't read for a long while. I used to be a bookworm, but one day I finished a book, put it down, and never bothered to pick another up. I think it ruined books for me. Yes, I'm looking at you, The Lord of the Rings... Anyway, I'm getting off-topic again.

Well, I had better work out my plan for tackling the rest of this assignment. I should have enough time between the morning and evening services to get most of the hideous reading done. After all, it's early service tomorrow morning, so I gain another two hours afterwards. And then it shouldn't be too much of a deal to write it up on Monday night after work, finalising everything on Tuesday. My goal this semester was to not hand anything in late, and so far I am making that goal! That is, four assessment pieces submitted so far with a success rate of 100% for being on time or early! Last year I I only submitted two things on time, and one of those had an extension anyway, so it doesn't count. So I am so excited to be meeting my goal so far! I can't let this assignment break this streak!

Anyway, I should be getting to bed. No good sitting up all night writing out plans, if I'm not rested enough to carry them out!

~SA

Music

It's been quite a while since I last wrote, so I think there may be a lot to catch up on. That said, I can't think of anything specific.

This past week has been pretty low for me, with yesterday and today being the peak of my emotional mess. I've been struggling with insecurities and social anxiety, and it's been getting in the way of my relationships.

The past month, in fact, has been terrible as far as sleep is concerned. A good friend of mine suggested playing music on a timer until I fall asleep. I tried it the past four nights. The first and third times it worked quite well, and I felt refreshed when I awoke, though I still got really tired quite quickly throughout the day. The second night it didn't work at all, though that may have been because I was distracted by something. And last night I had to turn it off because it was actually making me anxious. So it seems to be quite hit-and-miss.

I am currently listening to one song on repeat through my headphones, and it is putting me in a state of absolute bliss. The song is called Zen Mode (YouTube link here), and is from the soundtrack of a game called Alto's Adventure (web link here). And yes, this game gets a plug. It is actually quite helpful for me to de-stress, though it doesn't have 100% success rate. Nothing does. But for now, the music has lifted the anxiety, and I feel a little freer.

I have an assignment due in just under a week. It's not a big assignment - the first section is essentially note-taking, and the second is only 400 words - but I have no idea how to tackle it. I probably need a good night's sleep, and to sit down in front of it again tomorrow with a clear head and a cup of Earl Grey tea. It shouldn't take more than a day or two at most to get it knocked over.

I also have a quiz for another course that opens over the weekend. I find quizzes and exams and the like to be relatively easy and stress-free. You sit down, answer the questions, and are done. There isn't a long and drawn-out process of finalising each section, of planning and drafting, and all the other things that go along with essays. There's one right answer and a bunch of wrong answers. That is all. No grey areas. No "Well maybe in this scenario, but you could do this better." None of that. Just straight, black-and-white, right or wrong answers. It appeals to my strangely analytical mind.

I say strange because I tend to be quite creative. I don't even pretend to understand for a moment why I absolutely adore maths so much when my brain works in music and literature. Keeps things interesting, I guess. And it makes me just that little bit more unique.

~SA

Playing Catch-Up

Yes, I'm still alive. You're not getting rid of me that easily. 😉 It has been a while since I last posted, but that really only means that I've been super busy.

Well a fair bit has happened. Most notably, I had two anxiety attacks while driving, an event that had never happened before. I have a theory as to why this has started happening:

Since I have been busy, the depression side of things has been pushed completely out of the way (ain't nobody got time for that!). However, the stress from everything happening lately has been building up. And while I am busy, I don't have the time for my brain to catch up, but when I slow down a bit, everything just explodes in my head. And driving seems to be a less stimulating activity, meaning that it's a chance for everything to catch up with me. Thus, anxiety attack.

Otherwise, I have been trotting along well enough. I'm still limping through uni, half on top of everything, and half completely lost. I feel like that's probably a standard feeling among university students, so I'm not too worried about that. So far, I haven't handed anything in late (unlike last year), so that's always a positive. As for the other aspects of my studies, I'm running behind. They're all just little things, such as not having the lecture notes printed before attending the lecture, but they all add up.

Financially I have been less than prepared as well. I've been struggling to pay the bills with my current income, and I got another bill in the mail today. I'll get through it, but it's frustrating to deal with, especially when it means I'm constantly eating into my savings just to keep up. A close friend helped me set up a budget, though, so hopefully that will help me out. We shall see.

I feel like right now, all I need to do is write a bunch of lists - and stick to them - and I'll be set. I pretty much live by to-do lists. I suppose my new budget is a list in a way. But I also need to write a new list to set out what I have left to do for uni before the mid semester break. And I need to remember to take my pen to work. I could get so much more done during my shifts if I wrote myself lists. Normally I end up completely forgetting all the things that need to be done, only remembering again in the last half an hour before I have to finish.

Anyway, all that to say, I am better at getting things done when I am organised, and I actually enjoy organising myself, but the big thing I need to get past is actually getting organised in the first place. And, of course, following through with my plans and lists...

~SA

Exhausting Myself with Worry

I am exhausted. Not physically, as if I've been running or similar. I mean mentally. I am tired out. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it was just the slog of uni work today, but I can't say for sure.

I keep worrying about things. Bad things. Like being involved in a car accident, or being raped, or similar things like that. My brain sometimes gets into a rut like this. I start thinking about the "what if's", and it spirals into me being unable to think about anything else. I feel like it could be a result of anxiety, but again, I'm not sure.

Seems I can't be sure of anything tonight.

I only have an hour-long lecture tomorrow, so perhaps it'll give my brain a break so that I can calm down. Or maybe I'll be feeling better tomorrow morning after I wake up.

I hate that this just sounds like me complaining. I hate that I sound so pathetic that I can't even deal with something as small as an irrational fear, that I can't just get on with my life like anyone else can.

This frankly just sounds like I'm throwing a pity party. I'm signing off for the night.

~Silently Aching

Seasons

"Even the darkness must pass." ~Samwise Gamgee, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

The tale of Frodo and Sam trekking to Mordor in The Lord of the Rings reminds me of my own battle with depression. And there may come a day when I discuss what I mean by that, but it is not this day. I don't have the time. But all joking and references aside, I do hope to explain myself one day.

Today was extremely productive. I got my first assessment for the semester finished (!!!), as well as some other necessary things done, all before going to work. Seeing that first assessment being crossed off on my whiteboard is so motivating, though. I still have quite a large list, and it was one of the smallest items, but that one makes me feel like I could finish off another.

It's too late tonight to keep going on my uni work, since I do have uni on campus tomorrow. I'll be signing off soon, so it'll only be a quick note tonight.

Perhaps now is a season of motivation, of preparedness, of organisation and readiness. This feeling of "I can do it" is a breath of fresh air. It's so freeing to not feel like I need to procrastinate on everything. I have a plan, and right now, I'm sticking to it. I can't speak of a month's time, in a week, or even tomorrow, but right now, I know what I need to do, and I'm getting it done. The key point is that it's in my own time. I'm not rushed because I'm taking each thing individually and breaking it down, piece by piece, one task at a time.

But for tonight, I have done enough. It is time to rest, recuperate, and ready myself for another day of working tomorrow.

~Silently Aching

Behind the Mask of Independence

I missed yesterday because I was hanging out with my friends last night after working all day, but I did say I wasn't expecting to post every day.

I current;y cannot focus on anything aside from my back. Yesterday's eight-hour shift, standing the whole time, has taken its toll, and my lower back is not happy. I feel like I should just deal with it and get on with everything, but that's hard to do when you're not used to it.

I've been pretty depressed today, too, though I'm not sure if that's just for selfish reasons or not.

***

I'm finding it hard to write tonight. I keep getting distracted. Along with my back, I'm pretty tired, and I keep zoning out. Perhaps I should just get some rest instead. I kind of feel obligated to write, though. I don't know.

I think I'm falling back into my rut of doing everything to hide the fact that I need help, of presenting an image of having everything under control, when in reality, everything is completely falling apart. Or I'm being dramatic. I tend to do that.

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm doing typing this, what I'm doing as far as my family is concerned, what I'm doing with uni, what I'm doing with life in general. I have another commitment, which is actually each night. My Facebook page, Chapter a Day (shameless plug: facebook.com/bibleaday), needs to be updated each night. And I have a team for that, but I hate relying on them. I feel like it's my responsibility, that I need to keep it going. I feel bad for asking them to help out, because they have their own things they need to do.

Well, I guess the chapter isn't going to post itself. I should probably get to it.

~Silently Aching (double meaning tonight)

The Irony of Socialising

Socialising is important. Without it, I would never would have been able to get out of that rut last year. I was dragged, kicking and screaming, from my little world of one, and back into my social life.

Ah yes, but I'm an extrovert! Surely I would have loved the opportunity to get back to my friends. Except that's not how it works. To begin with, ENFPs are "ambiverts" - we are both introverted and extroverted. On top of that, depression bends everything into darkness, and the last thing you want to do is project that on the people you care for. Add anxiety to the mix, with the insecurities that go along with that, and you have the perfect recipe for a hermit crab.

However, once I'm forced into socialising, it tends to work itself out, and I begin to feel better. Although in the past few months, I've been happy to go out with friends and spend time with people, so there has been no need for pressure.

The thing is, I can only socialise for a certain amount of time, before I start to relationally shut down. I lose all my confidence, falling into my insecurities, and become agitated and irritable, closing off and lashing out at the people around me. And sometimes it can happen only after I've left, which at least means I'm not hurting the people I love, but it's no less difficult for me to work around.

Today after uni, I spent the afternoon with a good friend of mine. We had an amazing day, even though we didn't do much. I really do treasure her company. But on the way home it started to hit, that feeling deep within my stomach of being unsettled, of something being not quite right. I got home, and it just snowballed into apathy, into a desire to just give up.

I want to give up. And this isn't an unusual feeling for me. I feel like people view me as weak because of my constant wish to give up.

I don't mean give up on life, though I did go through a period of time when I was suicidal. I mean give up on parts of life - give up on uni, on my dream to become a teacher; give up on trying to deal with my family; give up on trying to move out of home; give up on my job; give up on maintaining the relationships I have with my friends.

I feel like typing all of this has calmed me somehow, so I might head off now, and push through, working a little more on my uni stuff.

~Silently Aching

The "Up" Part of the Rollercoaster: Part II

The thing with the rollercoaster of mental health is that you never know when you've reached the top, and when you're about to come crashing down.

Thankfully, I'm still riding the wave of motivation from yesterday. I actually got some of my looming assignments started! And I've printed off all my task sheets for this semester, so I can look through all the important stuff and begin to tap away at them, rather than leaving them all until the last minute like I usually do.

Procrastination is a big issue for me. I don't know when it started, but I have a feeling it was some time during high school. Maybe it's just how I work, but it certainly doesn't help the depression/anxiety. It's a vicious cycle - my assignments overwhelm me, so I put them off, and then the looming due date stresses me out even more. So this current motivation is an absolute blessing, because it means I can start working away at diminishing the list without feeling like I'm trying to tackle Mount Everest.

Anyway, I should probably make the most of this feeling, and actually get to work!

~Silently Aching

The "Up" Part of the Rollercoaster

Well I just got home from uni, and whilst I can't say I enjoyed every moment of it (of course, I never expected to), I am feeling much better than I did last night. For the first time in a long time, I'm feeling motivated!

I'm feeling like I could just sit down and organise everything, get started on all my assignments, and be completely ready for everything this semester. All I need to do now is act on that feeling. Except that tonight I'm going to be busy with a church meeting, so I won't really have the time. And our printer isn't working. So I can only do so much tonight. Hopefully the motivation doesn't die before tomorrow!

***

So I'm not really treating this as a blog, but more as a diary. Hopefully, a diary that may help some other people, letting them know that they aren't alone. But I guess we shall see. If nothing else, hopefully it can be a place where I can vent and organise my thoughts and track my mood, maybe find some sort of pattern.

Anyway, I had better get some work done before I have to head out!

~Silently Aching

Introductions from the Silently Aching

This isn't new to me. I have had blogs before, though I've never kept up with them. They tend to get lost in a world of less importance, though they probably belong there. I have no idea if this blog will be a change for me. Honestly, it probably won't be, despite my unrealistic hopes of it somehow helping me. But I guess we shall see.

I don't know. Perhaps I'm just being really emotional and blowing everything out of proportion. I feel like I do that a lot, though the people around me say I don't. But I don't always believe the people around me. I guess that's all part of the anxiety. I don't trust people. I mean, I trust them with my life. I trust that they will do whatever they can to see me safe and happy. But I don't trust their kind words. I don't believe that they truly love me, no matter how much they tell me, no matter how emphatically. How could anyone possibly like me? How could anyone actually enjoy my company? I mean, yes, I'm bright and bubbly and outgoing and confident and all the stuff that people care about. But I'm too bright, too bubbly, too outgoing, too confident. I'm annoying. How could anyone enjoy that?

I'm getting ahead of myself. I do that, too. That's probably part of my personality. My annoying personality. Oh, of course, I'm ENFP (yes, I am aware that many people don't like the Myer Briggs test, but it gives a good foundation for understanding people). I'm oh-so loud and crazy. But I crash. I have a finite "people metre", so to speak, and once I reach the limit, I shut down and can't deal with people anymore. That turns ugly, trust me.

Oh goodness, I've been talking so much about myself, but never really explained anything. Well let's start with basic facts.

I'm female and turning twenty-one soon. I live in Australia, and I'm studying primary education at university. I am ENFP (as has already been discussed). At the start of last year, I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety, although I had been dealing with it for at least six months beforehand. I also went through an undiagnosed bout of depression at the end of high school. Mid to late last year I felt like the depression pretty much cleared up, leaving all but a few lingering traces behind (though I haven't been reassessed yet). However, my anxiety has only gotten worse.

I didn't get depression and anxiety at the same time. Depression seems to easily manifest itself into my brain without any help. But not anxiety. Anxiety was coxed there. You see, towards the end of 2016, I was involved in an incident at work of an explicit kind. I was already dealing with depression, but this incident triggered anxiety.

I don't like thinking about that, as you could probably imagine, and I don't feel like dealing with cold facts tonight. I'd rather just vent. Right now, something is wrong, and I don't know what. I feel unsettled, almost anxious, but not quite. I feel alone, but I don't want to socialise at all. I feel tired, but I feel far too alert to sleep. I'm kind of hungry, but I feel like trying to eat will make me feel sick. I feel unsettled.

This is becoming a regular thing for me. It tends to turn into an anxiety attack, even if just a mild one. But I don't know how to explain this phase, aside from saying that I feel unsettled. I'm kind of jittery, like a small child who can't sit still, but rather than out of excitement, it's out of... I don't know. Nothing good, certainly. But I don't know what it is.

I'm not really looking for help. I mean, if you have advice, great. That'd be wonderful. But that's not why I'm typing right now. I'm typing for two reasons:

1. Perhaps it could help me. Perhaps venting will help me understand exactly what I'm feeling.
2. Perhaps it could help you. Maybe you're going through the same thing and need a reminder that you're not alone. Or perhaps a loved one of yours is, and you want to know what they're going through.

No matter, hopefully this helps someone. Or of course, it could just be another pointless thing I do that starts with good intentions, but never really catches on. But no, enough of the negativity.

Well, it is late now, and I am getting up relatively early tomorrow to have breakfast with a friend before uni, so I should probably get some sleep, or at least try to. I might be back, but then again, I might not ever post to this blog again. I guess we will see.

~Silently Aching