I don't know. Perhaps I'm just being really emotional and blowing everything out of proportion. I feel like I do that a lot, though the people around me say I don't. But I don't always believe the people around me. I guess that's all part of the anxiety. I don't trust people. I mean, I trust them with my life. I trust that they will do whatever they can to see me safe and happy. But I don't trust their kind words. I don't believe that they truly love me, no matter how much they tell me, no matter how emphatically. How could anyone possibly like me? How could anyone actually enjoy my company? I mean, yes, I'm bright and bubbly and outgoing and confident and all the stuff that people care about. But I'm too bright, too bubbly, too outgoing, too confident. I'm annoying. How could anyone enjoy that?
I'm getting ahead of myself. I do that, too. That's probably part of my personality. My annoying personality. Oh, of course, I'm ENFP (yes, I am aware that many people don't like the Myer Briggs test, but it gives a good foundation for understanding people). I'm oh-so loud and crazy. But I crash. I have a finite "people metre", so to speak, and once I reach the limit, I shut down and can't deal with people anymore. That turns ugly, trust me.
Oh goodness, I've been talking so much about myself, but never really explained anything. Well let's start with basic facts.
I'm female and turning twenty-one soon. I live in Australia, and I'm studying primary education at university. I am ENFP (as has already been discussed). At the start of last year, I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety, although I had been dealing with it for at least six months beforehand. I also went through an undiagnosed bout of depression at the end of high school. Mid to late last year I felt like the depression pretty much cleared up, leaving all but a few lingering traces behind (though I haven't been reassessed yet). However, my anxiety has only gotten worse.
I didn't get depression and anxiety at the same time. Depression seems to easily manifest itself into my brain without any help. But not anxiety. Anxiety was coxed there. You see, towards the end of 2016, I was involved in an incident at work of an explicit kind. I was already dealing with depression, but this incident triggered anxiety.
I don't like thinking about that, as you could probably imagine, and I don't feel like dealing with cold facts tonight. I'd rather just vent. Right now, something is wrong, and I don't know what. I feel unsettled, almost anxious, but not quite. I feel alone, but I don't want to socialise at all. I feel tired, but I feel far too alert to sleep. I'm kind of hungry, but I feel like trying to eat will make me feel sick. I feel unsettled.
This is becoming a regular thing for me. It tends to turn into an anxiety attack, even if just a mild one. But I don't know how to explain this phase, aside from saying that I feel unsettled. I'm kind of jittery, like a small child who can't sit still, but rather than out of excitement, it's out of... I don't know. Nothing good, certainly. But I don't know what it is.
I'm not really looking for help. I mean, if you have advice, great. That'd be wonderful. But that's not why I'm typing right now. I'm typing for two reasons:
- Perhaps it could help me. Perhaps venting will help me understand exactly what I'm feeling.
- Perhaps it could help you. Maybe you're going through the same thing and need a reminder that you're not alone. Or perhaps a loved one of yours is, and you want to know what they're going through.
No matter, hopefully this helps someone. Or of course, it could just be another pointless thing I do that starts with good intentions, but never really catches on. But no, enough of the negativity.
Well, it is late now, and I am getting up relatively early tomorrow to have breakfast with a friend before uni, so I should probably get some sleep, or at least try to. I might be back, but then again, I might not ever post to this blog again. I guess we will see.
~Silently Aching
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