The Irony of Socialising

Socialising is important. Without it, I would never would have been able to get out of that rut last year. I was dragged, kicking and screaming, from my little world of one, and back into my social life.

Ah yes, but I'm an extrovert! Surely I would have loved the opportunity to get back to my friends. Except that's not how it works. To begin with, ENFPs are "ambiverts" - we are both introverted and extroverted. On top of that, depression bends everything into darkness, and the last thing you want to do is project that on the people you care for. Add anxiety to the mix, with the insecurities that go along with that, and you have the perfect recipe for a hermit crab.

However, once I'm forced into socialising, it tends to work itself out, and I begin to feel better. Although in the past few months, I've been happy to go out with friends and spend time with people, so there has been no need for pressure.

The thing is, I can only socialise for a certain amount of time, before I start to relationally shut down. I lose all my confidence, falling into my insecurities, and become agitated and irritable, closing off and lashing out at the people around me. And sometimes it can happen only after I've left, which at least means I'm not hurting the people I love, but it's no less difficult for me to work around.

Today after uni, I spent the afternoon with a good friend of mine. We had an amazing day, even though we didn't do much. I really do treasure her company. But on the way home it started to hit, that feeling deep within my stomach of being unsettled, of something being not quite right. I got home, and it just snowballed into apathy, into a desire to just give up.

I want to give up. And this isn't an unusual feeling for me. I feel like people view me as weak because of my constant wish to give up.

I don't mean give up on life, though I did go through a period of time when I was suicidal. I mean give up on parts of life - give up on uni, on my dream to become a teacher; give up on trying to deal with my family; give up on trying to move out of home; give up on my job; give up on maintaining the relationships I have with my friends.

I feel like typing all of this has calmed me somehow, so I might head off now, and push through, working a little more on my uni stuff.

~Silently Aching