I won't give in. I'm strong. I can stay independent. I can fight this. I don't need help.
Except I do. I do need help. I need help. I can't keep pretending to everyone that I'm okay. Because I'm not. I'm not okay.
But I can't tell anyone.
I have no one to tell. Or I do, but they're busy. And I don't want to talk to anyone else. Certainly not my family. Certainly not my dad. He doesn't understand. Maybe I'm not as close to him as I used to be. I don't know. I really don't know. Or maybe we never were as close as I thought we were. Well, I'm not as close with one of my best friends as I thought I was. Because she doesn't see me as one of her best friends. Perhaps my fears about people only tolerating me are true. Maybe I'm too quick to trust people, to let people in, let them close. Maybe I'm too dependent upon everyone.
I know I am. Oh, but I cannot stop being dependent. I am needy, too needy. I need people. But they're all busy. Busy with their lives. They have enough to deal with without having to deal with me, with my issues.
With me. Me. That's the biggest issue of all. Me.
I can't let anyone in. It'll just scare them away. They already see me as a burden. I'm a burden. I'm someone to have pity on, and be nice to because you're a polite person. No one actually likes me. I'm just tolerated. That's all I can be. No one can like, let alone love, me. Because I'm nothing. I'm a mess. An absolute mess.
***
I failed an assignment. I worked really hard on it, and even handing it in four days early. Many other assignments I've handed in weeks late and part finished, and pass, but this assignment was easy. I finished it early and did it well. But I got 45% on it. Maybe I wasn't trying hard enough. No. I wasn't. I didn't try hard enough. I didn't try at all. I'm no good at uni. I was amazing in school, but I can't get through university. I'm wasting my time and my money. I'm wasting my lecturers' time. I'm wasting my life. No, my life is a waste. I don't know why I thought I could do this. I can't.
I handed in another assignment last night, and instead of feeling that sense of relief, I just felt more anxious.
I've been having super vivid dreams lately, so vivid that they wake me up and trigger an anxiety attack.
Normally the anxiety goes away overnight, and I wake in the morning, still tired, but no longer anxious. But now the anxiety is just mounting, even as I sleep. I'm not getting a break from it.
That's the other thing. I can't sleep. Or I can sleep, but I don't feel refreshed when I wake. My sleep pattern is completely ruined, and I range from four to ten hours of sleep at night. But no matter how much sleep I get or don't get, I am still tired when I wake, to the point where my eyes sting.
I've become incredibly sensitive to pain and heat, and I'm easily jump-scared because I'm always tense and on edge. I've noticed that my heartbeat is so intense that it makes my entire body rock.
I'm not well. It's not quite nausea, more that unsettled feeling again. But it's almost nausea, almost like I'm going to throw up.
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm at my end. I just want it all to stop. I just want it to stop.
~SA
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